Every time I feel overwhelmed and I think too much I realize that it's a bad feeling within my gut. I feel like a prisoner of my own mind. Then I hate myself for allowing me to feel like this and then I feel like some wine might help. Then I realize I do not have wine and so then I see if I have a ciggie left in the box and then I get mad because my other half took the last one. My only hope and solution is to have an energy drink to create my happy mood. I tend to dwell on the taurine, not so much the caffeine.
But one day I realized that there is a special place I can always go to that will be soothing. It's difficult to actually plan it but once I get to my desk, I grab it and as I open it I feel that sense of safety. I have favorite pens that help my penmanship and I like the way it glides on the paper I have. It's called a Journal.
I am the kind of person that lacks vocabulary. I have stage fright and I do not do good with the public when it comes to speaking. I am afraid of interviews and so I feel dumb even though I have a Masters in Communication Studies. But when I open up a journal it feels like it's ok to be myself. It feels like a world of free spirited beings and a world of acceptance. It's a conversation with myself and somehow as I write it down and take it out of my thoughts and into paper, I understand it in a different way. It's like a person is talking to me and I feel things differently.
Journals and diaries, I hear, have been around since the time of Leonardo da Vinci in the fifteenth century from the recording of public life and important accounts like ideas, inventions and personal observations to more personal feelings. They have become like a secret companion where you don't have to be afraid to be honest and sincere about your feelings.
So I like to write down my bottled up thoughts. I realize that there is a lot going on inside me and I keep going until I feel there is no more to let out. It's a relief to vent at a journal because there is no judgment. The only thing I wish I knew was shorthand. That way, whoever if at any time finds it, cannot read all my most inner thoughts and concerns and most of all learn about others in my life. I usually do not vent about anyone but just the feelings that I have of loneliness and unfairness that I sometimes feel.
I can on the other hand write many things about people and things I can get in trouble for like crushes I have or thoughts I may have. But that can just be turned into a book instead. Having a journal helps in a way for you to understand yourself and feel free to be you. It's also a pass to be able to forgive yourself for feeling guilty or messed up for things you have done. When I have found old journal entries from many years ago, I kind of laugh at them and think how silly I was to feel bad at that point.
Everything in life is evolution. As we grow, we mature and learn many ways to survive on this earth. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger but it can also make you do crazy things.